Bald is Beautiful... Right?

We are told in chemo class (a 2 hour class that you take right before you start chemo, I highly recommend taking someone with you who can pay attention!) that you will typically lose your hair around the 21st day after your first dose of chemo. For some reason it took my a good 2 years before my weirdo body decided to lose it.  At that time, the first time I lost my hair, I was MORE than ready to shave it.  It had been slowly falling out and I waited until the kids were ready and my hair was shoulder length at that time, so the bald spots were covered. 
This time, however, was a whole different story! It was day 19 from my first day of being on CPT-11, as I like to call it, the devil.  I was a few days away from my second round of chemo, so I decided a long hot bath with a bath bomb was well deserved.  I started filling the bath and threw in my favorite bath bomb without even breaking it up, I deserved the WHOLE bomb.  As it was filling up and the bomb was fizzing away into the water, turning it a beautiful lavender color, I noticed a couple of strands of hair fall into the sink.  Hmm.. that's weird.  Not thinking too much about it, I slipped into the warm, relaxing water.  AHHH.... This is the life, so I thought.  I started praying. I love to pray while in the shower or bath, its quiet, peaceful and the kids KNOW not to bug me unless they are dying! I mean, there had better be blood and a lot of it if they bother me while in the bath.  That is my time and I share it with the Lord! I clearly remember being in the middle of singing Great is Thy Faithfulness, when I poured a Super Gulp sized cup of water over my head, when it happened.  I stopped mid singing and saw hair EVERYWHERE. Literally a layer of hair floated on top of my beautiful, serene bath full of light purple water! I just sat there in the middle of it stunned... Something is wrong! This is not how it happens to me.  First of all, it takes YEARS before my hair decides to fall out and it happens over time, not over night! After I realize what had just happened, I thought, "Well, this is the most that is coming out, surely I won't lose anymore than this!" So I dump the cup over my head again and even more hair fell into the water.  I started panicking! I freaked! I started using the cup to get the disgusting, vile, devil hair out of my bath! I needed to get rid of the visual reminder of the battle my body and soul are going through. I fished as much as I could out of the tub and ran my fingers thru my hair and my hand was covered in wet, sticky hair.  I jumped up and rinsed the dark brown strands of thick hair down the sink.  That's when I lost it.  I stood there screaming for my knight in shining armor.  "JON!!!!!" I screamed, "I NEED JON!!!" HE WILL FIX IT!! I thought.  "JON!!!!" I screeched again.   He came running in, probably thinking I was dying! He had a look of sheer terror on his face, he looked around the room like he should be seeing a fire somewhere! I just stood there crying.  Finally he said, "What??!! What is wrong? Are you hurt?! Did you get sick again?!"  I just pointed to the bath water. He ran and looked (Probably expecting blood) and saw all the hair.  He looked at me with sympathy and said, "Oh baby! I am so so sorry!" I really lost it then, like him seeing it too was really proof I was losing my hair.  He helped me out and wrapped my towel around me.  I grabbed my brush from under the sink and started brushing my thinning hair like a maniac.  More and more hair was coming out. It was never ending.  He finally took the brush from me and told me to stop, I was only making it worse.  I told him I was just getting rid of the loose hairs and he seemed to get a little irritated with me and said, "JUST STOP!! Let's go to bed!" That night I insisted on finding my old head covers and scarves.  It has been a year and I have no idea where we put them! I finally found them at the top of my closest and felt OK enough to go to sleep.
The next couple of days were the same. Hair on my pillow, clumps on the floor, on the bathroom floor.  HAIR SEEMED TO BE ALL OVER THE PLACE.  I had another round of chemo.  I told the nurse my hair was thinning.  She told me not to do anything drastic because it might just be thinning and not completely falling out.  The night after I had chemo, I would run my fingers through my hair and handfuls were coming out.  It became an obsession.  But I was too sick to do anything about it.  The days I have chemo, I can hardly lift my head off the pillow.  I lay in bed by myself all day, wishing for time to pass, or wishing for the good Lord to bring me home because I feel so bad.  I honestly can not even cry on the days I have chemo because I hurt so much. 
The next day, feeling a little bit better, I talk my dad and mom into taking me to the nearest wig shop.  I walk in the door and know what I am looking for.  I want a wig that looked like me.  Pretty plain, shoulder length, no bangs.  I found it.  I took the wig and put it on and it was "the one"! I bought 2 wigs, rushed out of the wig shop because I was so sick, I thought I was going to throw up on the lady ringing up my purchases.  I can not tell you how slow she was going!  I felt like screaming at her, "If you don't hurry up, your store is going to be covered in vomit!!" But I just smiled politely as she slowly took my card and slide it through the cash register, promising me she would pray for me.  We got home and I showed my family the wigs (after getting sick) They liked them, but Jon seemed, off.  We went to bed and back to pulling clumps of hair off my head and then he lost it.  He yelled at me to stop, "You are making it worse" he said.  I told him, I was not pulling it out, it was falling out on its own.  I would rather be in control of it and throw the hair away, then to wake up with it all over my pillow.  He was angry.  He told me that he wanted me to have hair in Hawaii. HAWAII... That is almost 2 weeks away.  At the rate my hair was falling out, there was no way it was going to see Hawaii! So, I decided to really take a look at my hair.  I had no idea what it was looking like, since it is impossible to see the top of your own head.  From what I saw everyday, it was not that bad! From the front, it just looked a little thin, not bad.  So, I took pictures with my phone and to my HORROR, this is what I saw.

After the shock and pure dismay, I honestly couldn't believe what I was seeing!  This was of course, 1am because you know me, I am up all night! After the shock wore off, I jumped up and ran into the bathroom like a crazy woman.  Grabbed Jon's beard trimmer out of the medicine cabinet. Pulled off the clip and started shaving my hair off over the sink! One minute later, Jon came rushing in begging me to stop.  It was too late.  I looked up at him, through teary eyes and said, "I can't do it anymore! It's controlling me! I look like a balding old man!"  I honestly feel so much better about myself with out hair.  Even when I had hair, but it was short, I still felt better in my wigs.  Nothing like how good I felt with my natural long hair, but the wig was a close second.  Jon took the clippers from me and finished.  Then we wet my head, whoa, did that feel weird. Rubbed conditioner over it and used a razor on it. I felt like a weight was lifted off me, but I have to admit, I am not NEAR as OK or as ready as when I first shaved my head. 
When we finally got back into my room, at 2am, I looked in the mirror and snapped this picture! It was done!

The next day, the kids got the shock of their lives. I prayed they would take it better this time because they had already went through it before.  They all seemed to be good with it. I wore my wig and my head coverings.  Caylee seemed a little worried.  She asked if her hair would fall out.  I told her no, that I was on a special medicine that makes my hair fall out.  Then she said, "Mommy, I would never shave my head!" Like I was super crazy for doing it.  I told her, "I know! I had to, mommy was looking pretty silly right?" She said, "Yeah! I guess!" 
There is a game that Caylee and I always play (about 1-2 times a week) It started in a hotel one night, when we were super bored.  I put a blue ribbon in my hair and pretend I am Snow White and she is my friend who warns me about the dangers lurking about in the woods... The scary trees, the witch, the apple... that sort of thing! So the other night I am sitting on my bed, sulking, when she runs in with the ribbon! "Mommy!!!! Will you be Snow White???!!" I looked at her a little surprised and said, "Do you want me to put on a wig?" She looked at me puzzled for a second and said, "No, just put your ribbon on and tie mine on!"  I almost cried!! She didn't care that I was bald!! I am just mommy to her! So on went the bows on my very bald, egg shaped head, like a birthday present! She is one of my greatest gifts!!!

Here is my new wig!! Had to show it off too! LOL!