Where do I start?

I have been asked by a few people to start a blog! So here I am! I have been trying to stay away from the Internet. I don't want my mind going to dark places and start googling every single symptom I have! But this will be the easiest way to keep friends and family updated on my progress through my, well our, battle with cancer. Where do I start? I guess the beginning is always the best place to start, here is what we have been through so far!
Around the end of May, I started getting this weird cramping feeling in my lower abdomen. I didn't think much about it. Well, the cramping started getting worse! I would literally have to stop whatever I was doing at the time and jump in the hottest bath possible!! But then it would go away. I realized that the cramping would start if I moved wrong or lifted my leg up too quickly. So of course, I just tell myself it must be a hernia or pulled muscle. Because to get me to go to the doctor would literally take a miracle!
On Saturday, June 4th, I couldn't take it anymore. I thought for sure it was a hernia and with vacation coming up on the 19th, I had to get it taken care of! Jon took me to the ER at 11am. They got us right in, it was not busy at all. The doctor agreed, it sounded muscular to him and he sent me in for a CT Scan. After the scan was over, the tech walked us back out to the lobby and grabbed my arm and said, "I hope all goes well for you!" WHAT??!!! I was very taken back and didn't even know what to say back to him! I looked at Jon and said, "something is wrong with me!" He assured me that it meant nothing and that maybe he was new at this and didn't know what to say to people. So we go sit back in the lobby. We get called back to hear the results. Well, the nurse walked us past the room we were previously in and took us back to a bed that had a gown on it. I looked at her and said, "What does this mean?" She was VERY skittish and said, "It doesn't mean you are staying or anything, umm... it's just, we need you to get in the gown and wait to hear your results!" I knew then, something was wrong, really wrong!! About a half hour later, the ER doctor came in and sat by the foot of my bed and started rubbing my legs. The once happy-go-lucky doctor, who was making jokes with us just 1 hour ago, looked like he had seen a ghost.
I started going into a dream-like state. It was the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. He started off by saying this is one of the hardest things he has to do as a doctor, giving people news like this. The room was spinning, I looked at Jon, who was now as pale as the walls behind him. The doctor went on to tell us that I had cancer in my ovaries and it has spread to the liver and up to the lungs. He asked if I understood what he was saying. I shook my head and said, "Yes, you are saying I have cancer." The doctor seemed very upset, so I told him it was going to be ok. He told me that he was admitting me so I could cut through the red tape and get the tests done asap! He told me he was turning me over to Dr. Lee, the internal medicine doctor.
After the doctor left, I called my dad and told him the news. I asked him to pray and please let the rest of the family know. That was one of the hardest phone calls of my life because I knew I couldn't cry, I had to be strong!
After 30 mins, Dr. Lee came in, confirmed the ER doctor's diagnosis, he thinks it is Ovarian cancer and sent me for another CT Scan with contrast this time. After that scan, I went up to my room on the 2nd floor of the hospital.
I had so many visitors that weekend and was so thankful for that because it really kept me focused on what was important, God, my family and friends. There was only 1 rule and if you were a visitor, I am sure you remember it, "NO CRYING ALLOWED!!" We had to remain strong and not the the enemy drag us down!
While we were all there at the hospital, my grandfather (AKA Pop, or Grandpa Turtle) fell and ended up at the hospital with me the next day. They did a CT Scan on him and he broke his hip. They put him literally a few doors down from me which was convenient for everyone in my family to run back and forth. Jon did double duty! He got to stay in the room with me, so every time the nurses came in to check on me, he would run and check on Pop! He also helped him with his breakfast every morning too! Jon very much appreciated this time with my grandpa!
So Monday, June 6th, rolls around and I am scheduled for a liver biopsy. They keep you awake and you are in the CT while they have a long needle going down to your liver and take pieces of your liver out to test. I KNEW SOMETHING WAS NOT GOING TO BE RIGHT!!! The Doctors hands were shaking so badly, she couldn't keep them still!!! I should have said something right then and there, but of course, I kept my mouth shut!! I can't tell you that it actually hurt, but when it was over, I swore I would NEVER do that again. It was so invasive and just yucky!!
So, I was supposed to go home after the biopsy, but I just didn't feel comfortable enough to go home. They let me stay one more day!
The next day, I packed up to leave to go home and they packed Pop up to go to a rehabilitation nursing home. Since being home, I have dealt with a lot of anxiety! I already had REALLY bad anxiety, but this takes it to a whole new level! Every night, I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest. The only way to get over it, is for Jon and I to pray, pray, pray and read the Bible aloud together! So, if it is about midnight, you can pray along with us, because that is what we are doing to get me calm enough to sleep!
June 10th, I go in to see my primary care doctor, Dr. Kim. He tells me there is some good news, the pathology report comes back that it was not cancer. I knew they were wrong because I knew Mrs Shaky Hands just missed her target!!! Sure enough, I was right. My oncologist, Dr. Parares, called me and said the words I most dreaded to hear. "We have to re-biopsy again!!" This time from my ovaries. So I have a melt down! Yes, a big one!!
June 11th, here comes the shocker. We got a call at like 6am or so, that Pop had died in the nursing home. The night before my mom said that he wasn't talking too much and he was having trouble drinking. She said he didn't look good at all, but that she thought maybe it was just because he didn't want to be there. We didn't want to put him through an autopsy, we know he is in heaven and waiting for us there! I remember as a little girl, sitting in the pews of our QUIET little church. (I mean you could hear a pin drop at any given time!) After we would sing a hymn that my grandpa loved, in his loudest voice, he would shout, "AMEN!!!!!" I remember feeling so embarrassed! But looking back, I am so proud! Thats the memory I want to keep close to my heart! HE WAS SAVED AND IS HOME WITH OUR LORD AND SAVIOR! There is no doubt in my mind!
June 15th, Like I have mentioned before, I have A LOT of anxiety! I had to go to my grandpa's funeral, see people who I have not seen since getting diagnosed, not to mention this is the first funeral for my family ever! Pop was the first death in our immediate family. I also had tomorrow's biopsy looming over my head. It was all I could do to get through the funeral! I had to be there for my family. I feel partly to blame for his death because he fell when everyone was with me at the hospital. If my grandma were home that night, he might not have fallen! It was really one of the hardest days so far.
June 16th, The day of the second biopsy, I prayed for a new doctor to do this biopsy and I had decided that if Shaky Hands showed up, I was actually going to say something!! But, thankfully it was another doctor. He was much better than the last. He said last time, they had not got enough tissue to really test. So this time he was going to bring the samples up to pathology, while I was still on the table and make sure they had enough so I wouldn't have to go through this a 3rd time! He also mentioned that it looked like I had had this cancer for years! Well, I don't see how with the 5 million ultrasounds with Caylee's pregnancy, starting at 7 weeks along, they missed these huge tumors!! He was shocked to hear that! So I am on the table and he assures me that he got enough tissue, he was just going to make sure with pathology real quick. I am laying on the table BEGGING God to let it be done, that I couldn't take much more when he comes back in and says, "We didn't get enough, I have to do the do the biopsy again!" My heart sank and I literally yelled out, "NO!!!!!" He apologized and re-stuck me with the needle!
June 20th, We get the call from the Oncologist that we need to come in and get the results. So Jon, my friend Susie and I jump in the car and head to the Cancer Center at St Jude. We finally get called back and I could not concentrate! Thankfully, my friend Kira, made me a notebook for all my papers and notes and Susie was there to listen and fill it out for me! He informs us that it doesn't look like Ovarian, that it isn't acting like Ovarian cancer. He says it looks more like these are "satellite tumors" and the original tumors seem to be in my GI track somewhere. He mentioned stomach, colon and appendix. Then he starts saying that this is not a straight forward case and he is baffled and taking my case before the Tumor Board this coming Thursday. He also mentioned sending me to USC or UCI depending on what kind of cancer it is. I really shut down as he was talking. All I could think was that HE seemed scared and had no idea what we were up against. He then said he was sending me to see a Dr. Mathews, who would preform a Colonoscopy and and Endoscopy. He said that hopefully we would get some news and he would find the "Original tumor".
Later that day Dr. Mathews called me to come in for a late afternoon appointment. He wants to get these procedures done before the Tumor Board meets on Thursday. We (Jon, Susie and I) go in and there are Bible verses everywhere and he justs makes me feel so secure and for the first time, like I can beat it! He was the first doctor who was not talking to me like I am dying! He sets me up with the medication and all the instructions to have the procedures done Thursday morning! He said we will get instant results and he said to HOPE to find more tumors!! I thought (think) it was so weird to hope for more cancer in my body! But that was our prayer! He said he would give the results to Dr Panares for the Tumor Board later that day on Thursday.
June 22nd, This would be another hard day! All day I was on a strict diet of clear liquids. Which means, water, builloin, tea, and a popsicle! The medicene made me so sick! I can not tell you how sick I was! It was all I could do not to throw up! I also knew it was time to tell the kids. That night, I got out the teddy bears and books I sent away for from the Kids Konnection. It is an organization that is for children who have parents with cancer. We didn't want to actually tell them I had cancer, but Jonny (my oldest, 9yrs old) wouldn't let it go. I told them I was sick and had to get a lot more sick before I got better. He kept asking what was it called. Finally, I said, "I have cancer." Jonny asked to go to the bathroom right away. When he came back, I told him we have to pray together every night for me to heal and get better quickly. He told me that is what he did in the bathroom! Praise the LORD that my son's first instinct was to turn to the Lord! We prayed as a family right then and have been every night since! That night, I didn't sleep at all! I kept dreading the 4 am bottle of death I had to drink! After, I drank it, I was sick again!!
June 23rd, This morning was the worst I have ever felt in my life. I felt at any time I could pass out! I begged people to lay hands on me and pray me out of my misery! I am not a baby either! All I keep hearing from doctors is how they wish I didn't have such a high pain tolerance and they could have caught the cancer earlier. Any way, it was FINALLY my appointment time. They call me back and I just cant wait to be put under because I am so miserable! The time comes and they put me out. When I start coming to, I hear them say they found something! I am still groogy and can not put words together yet, but I knew this was a good thing. I get rolled back into a little recovery room and they call everyone who was there for me back. Jon, my mom and my aunt Nanny (Sandy) The doctors says my stomach was clear, but they found a tumor in my colon. Which is hereditary! My grandpa (Yep, Pop!) had colon cancer in his 60's. He says this is great news because colon cancer is WAY easier to treat than Ovarian!! He then says EVERYONE in my family needs to be checked for it! Aunts, uncles, siblings, mom, cousins, etc...
Later that day, Jon can't wait any longer and calls my oncologist. He said the results are good! That he is no longer going to refer me anywhere, we are just going to go straight to chemo because my colon is not blocked. He also said that on Monday they are going to surgically insert a Power Port for my chemo and for anytime they need blood from me. Tuesday I start chemo with 3 different medicenes for 4 hours, then I would have a bag and pump to take home with me and I return it on Thursdays. I do this 4 times in the next 8 weeks. After 8 weeks we will re-scan (CT Scan) to see what progress we have made!
June 24th, Today I get a call from a nurse from the infusion center. They need me to come down and get directions and special wipes for my Port procedure on Monday. I go down there with my mom, dad and Caylee. I walk into the infusion center and see where I am going to do my chemo treatments and see all the patients and I LOSE IT!!! I just grab the nurses hand and just start bawling!! This is all going too fast!!! I am too young!! I have too much anxiety!! I am not a strong enough person!! My babies don't deserve this!! My husband doesn't deserve this!!! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!! Yes, sadly I let the enemy take hold of me for a little bit! She reassured me, she would help me through and we could do this! I compose myself, then feel like an idiot for melting down in front of everyone!
June 25th, Well, today was a good day! I felt sick this morning, but better now! It is 1 am, so anxiety is creeping in, especially since tomorrow is the Port procedure! To answer a few questions I get, What stage are you? I don't know and I don't want to know! I feel Satan will just use that to beat me down! What can I pray for? Complete healing for me and strength and comfort for my family, especially my kids! What can I do? PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!! Put me on your churches prayer list! I know that God can and will heal me! I need everyones help by just saying a few words to Him every night for me!!
Well, I think that this is long enough for my first post!! LOL!!! I will update as much as I possibly can!!! Thank you to everyone who is supporting us, we are really feeling everyones loves! We especially feel God's loving arms around us! Love you all!!